Things are going very well. I'm mainly posting to say that I have new artwork up, and another drawing I'm working on coloring:

Completed Drawing:

In other news...

+ I've been crazy sick and just started on antibiotics today.
+ Derek is fucking out of his mind and we are done talking, forever. I feel sick when I remember I dated him for almost two years.
+ I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend Paul almost everyday for the past month. This makes me happy.
+ I'm done filming my P3 film. This also makes me happy.

In generally, I am a very happy girl these days.

We had a meeting with the screenwriting professor, Rick Hawkins, today and I now feel that we're in a very good place as far as our story goes. Better than we've ever been. We have one of two locations locked, we're painting that Friday, and our auditions are tomorrow and Thursday. Not really sure how those are going to go...there's a possibility that it won't be very well. I'm not sure. I refuse to feel uneasy about things though. All in all things could be a lot worse.

I'm trying to keep myself positive and in order. I'm making lists and crossing things off and when I get too stressed out I just turn the music up loud in my room and dance until I make myself laugh, or take a nap and cry until I feel like I can go on again.

I know I can do this. I believe in myself. I'm proud of myself. I have very little doubts about my group; I have faith in them too.

Things are messy right now, but isn't that the nature of life? Things have to be bad before they can be good. There has to be a mess before you can clean it up. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my body hurts...but I feel good. I will be strong and I will be amazing. There is no doubt of that in my mind.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as a fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
-August Wilson

Currently I am...

- At school, living in Pittsburgh, working on my P3 film "On Pins and Needles". Which is kind of a nightmare at the moment for a myriad of reasons. I am STILL surprisingly chill about it, despite the fact that I want to take a steak knife to my eyeballs every other second.

- Frought with emotional turmoil but also dealing with THAT surprisingly well. Go figure, I'm awesome.

- In need of a shower and sleep. Goodnight.

There is a dragonfly sitting on the little night table next to my bed. Just watching me. My pills and water and everything else are on the table too, but it hasn't moved in nearly 15 minutes. It's so beautiful. Its wings are completely transparent with little squares of color on them; like stained glass. It's so utterly bizarre. They don't bite (generally) or sting and are relatively harmless to people, so I'm just going to let it be. I just don't understand how it got in here in the first place though; the bedroom is upstairs on the second floor, none of the windows are open, we don't live near any water or anything. I looked up dragonfly symbolism however, and check out what I found:

"Dragonfly is a magical totem, signifying our ability to transform ourselves as we travel our path of self knowing toward enlightenment. Its iridescence and shifting colors lift us into dreamtime, where we can come to see that what seems to be "reality" is actually the illusion. Dragonfly also reminds us to celebrate Spirit in all living beings.

It is said that Dragonfly was once Dragon, covered with beautiful, shimmering scales and wielding great inner strength. It could change form at will, and light the darkness with the fire of its breath. Coyote tricked mighty Dragon into changing form and into believing itself to be tiny Dragonfly.

Dragon got caught in this illusion of its own making, just as we can find ourselves forever mistaking our facades for who we really are. Too often we believe our failures, our shortcomings, and our limitations are real. We have forgotten that we too can change form at will, wield great inner powers, and can light our darkness with our faith, hope, and determination.

When Dragonfly enters our lives, it is time to dig deeper, lift the illusion of suffering and believe in our limitless divinity."

They're also apparently quite lucky, especially if one lands on/near you. I love it when I have these little spiritual moments. Life is so beautiful.

Last night I made the terrible mistake of watching a documentary on Netflix instant viewing. Why was this a mistake? Because I have a highly addictive personality and now cannot stop watching documentaries. I've always been fascinated by people; I love people watching, am captivated by portraits, and love anything involving history, psychology, or the human condition in general. With this in mind, it actually surprises me that I haven't become hooked on non-fiction cinema before this point; I love reading non-fiction books and watching non-fiction television afterall. So now I have over 50 documentaries in my instant viewing que, which I'm probably going to finish up before the end of the week. I needed a more productive way of wasting my time anyway, right?

So, how about I had an entire paragraph typed up for this, hit a wrong key, and lost the entire thing. I am not pleased. Anyhow. This was not the most touching or awe inspiring documentary I've ever watched, but I personally found it fascinating. It's funny sometimes how much I question what I should be doing with my life, when I know that this is it. I've wanted to be a SFX make-up artist for the past four years, and for some reason I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I tell myself I should get my masters in production design at NYU rather than go to Tom Savini's SFX make-up school, because it will look better and will probably help me get a better job. This is what I love though. I adore fucking around with make-up, and I love learning about it and wondering about it. I love completely changing someone's appearance with a little bit of liquid latex and some colored cream. I mean, I'm from Pittsburgh for fuck's sake. Overall, I thought this was a great look into the industry, and it features advice and personal stories from Quentin Tarantino, Greg Nicotero, Tom Savini, George Romero, Wes Craven, and the late, great Dick Smith.

I'm going to preface this by saying that this documentary is not for those with weak stomachs. It features lots of plastic surgery, someone performing a penis bi-section, someone inserting penis bead implants, and lots of suspensions. Personally the only thing that freaked me out was the plastic surgery (all surgery footage makes me want to vomit for whatever reason), but a lot of people are more squeamish than I am and didn't spend years looking up disturbing shit on BMEzine. This documentary covers the entire spectrum of body modification, however, taking the stance that everything from dying your hair to cutting off your arm IS body modification (which I agree with and wrote a paper on in 11th grade, haha). They talk to drag queens, piercers, tattoo artists, plastic surgeons, and extreme body mods who engage in suspension rituals and things along those lines. The documentary did a really great job of showing extreme body modification in a positive light, while getting across the point that we ALL change our bodies...just in different ways. It's a subject that I find very interesting personally and had known a decent amount about beforehand, but I think this could be very eye opening for someone who is unfamiliar with more extreme body modification.

I HAVE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS TO COME OUT!!!! We Are Wizards is a documentary about how absolutely epic the Harry Potter fandom is, touching on everything from Brad Neely's "Wizard People, Dear Reader" to Wizard Rock to "Potter War", in which thousands of fans rose up against Warner Brothers. As an avid member of the Harry Potter fandom (I joined the club when I was 11), this documentary had me grinning from ear to ear. Brad Neely was probably my favorite part of the entire thing; he's always made me laugh, but I was cracking up at almost everything he said in this film. He's a total cutie too. Mmm. It was bizarre seeing Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys, the Hungarian Horntails, and the Whomping Willow in the documentary. These Wizard Rock bands are all ones that I've seen live, chatted with, and hung around with. It was really funny to me. Even the legal battle against WB was something I could relate to; when I was part of an online Harry Potter RPG (which I was a member of for 7 years) WB tried to steal our original characters. I loathe them. They're greedy, terrible bastards. Anyhow. Harry Potter has both changed and saved my life numerous times. I've made so many friends due to Harry Potter, including one of my best friends in the entire world, Courtney.

Even people that don't have such an emotional attachment to Harry Potter would probably find this documentary interesting. It's crazy how a book series can bring about such feelings of unity and togetherness in people; there truly is and was a Harry Potter MOVEMENT. I think that's why I get so frustrated when people compare Harry Potter to Twilight. When people look back at this moment in literary history, they will think of Harry Potter as a book series that changed the world. Twilight is nothing but shitty pulp romance for angsty teenagers and horny 40 year old women with the mentality of angsty teenagers, and I can't wait until it falls by the wayside (even if it is good for LOLZ). Anyhow, I'm ranting. Bottom line: this documentary was awesome and so is Harry Potter.

This documentary got to me. I mean, it really got to me. I cannot wrap my mind around homophobic people; they give me nightmares at night and make me want to throw up during the day. The film focuses on gay bars in the deep South, and how much they mean to the very isolated and persecuted gay community in those areas. To them, the bar isn't just a place where they can kick back and have a beer. It's the one place where they can truly be themselves; where they can dance with their partner, hold their hand, kiss their cheek. Intimate, miniscule things that heterosexual people take for granted...that people living in these areas fear doing, as they would be risking their jobs, their lives, EVERYTHING if anyone found out that they were gay.

While was touched by the homosexuals in the film, by their courage and strength and will to live their lives as they deserve to, I was scared shitless by the homophobes. Living in the city, I have tons of gay friends. I myself identify as bisexual. It isn't a big deal and it's more of an oddity to be a homophobe than anything else. It was a slap to my face the way some of these people think and feel; the hate and conviction in their eyes is paralyzing. They talked to the head pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church (who, in my opinion, is the most evil man alive), and I wanted to cry. I don't understand how people can be full of so much hate and anger. It doesn't make sense to me and it makes me so afraid for the future. I know things are slowly improving, but these crazy fuckers are just as capable of having kids and passing on their radical beliefs; that's what worries me.

So that was my day. Right now I'm watching Taxi Cab Confessions on Bravo!, which is my new favorite TV show. It'll be over at 3:00am, and I'm ACTUALLY GOING TO BED EARLY. I promise. Really.

I mean, I suppose if I crash directly after I post this (I'm guessing 4:30am), that'll still be early for me. But still...I was shooting for 2:30am earlier. God damn it. Netflix instant viewing is just too distracting. I just finished watching Small Town Gay Bar, a documentary I've been meaning to check out for months now. It was very good, but I'll talk more about it tomorrow when I'm not trying to convince myself that sleep is important in order to keep my body healthy. For now, enjoy this video of Kevin Smith (the executive producer) and Malcom Ingram (the director) talking about gay folks and movie making.

Today was a fairly eventful day for me, which is rare lately. I've been trying to be more active and get back into more of a regular schedule; I had one when I was directing the play and when I was in school, but after the show wrapped I sort of started slacking. Anyhow, I woke up around 1:30pm (please don't judge me. I've been going to bed around 5:00am lately. Why? This is a good question. If you know the answer, please make me aware of it), went downstairs, turned on some Matt & Kim (which I've been really feeling lately; ever since I heard "Daylight" in that Bacardi commercial), danced around my house in my PJs, and made toaster waffles with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and syrup (which are fucking delicious). This, in my book, is a fantastic start to any day. In fact, any time you start the day with dancing, it's bound to be a good day. I'm not talking about just bobbing your head while you're doing something either; I'm talking about jumping around and shaking your ass like an idiot dancing. The kind of dancing that little kids do because they don't give a shit about looking like an idiot. The kid of fun, goofy dancing that most adults lose sight of and I'd like to try and retain no matter how old I get. I like dancing like that (but only if Butterscotch is the only one around to watch).

I then proceeded to take my waffles over to the sofa and watch The Haunting in Conneticut. I was promised by many people that this movie was not scary in the least bit. Apparently these people are unaware of my horrible fear of contorted bodies, haunted houses, evil spirts, rapid movement cinematography, and figures appearing and disappearing in and out of frame. This movie had all of the above. Plus, I was home alone and it was really dark out despite the fact that it was 2:30pm because it was beginning to thunderstorm. Butterscotch started freaking out and we ended up cuddling on the couch with a blanket over our heads. I felt pretty lame. Overall I'd give the movie a 3/5...the acting was TERRIBLE (the dad was the DA agent from Weeds LOL) and there really wasn't much to get excited about. I liked the production design/art direction though, and like I said, it scared the shit out of me. Not a total loss.

At this point I got a text from my darling friend Joey, who suggested we do dinner a movie. My mum showed up just as the movie was wrapping (and of course proceeded to ask me a million questions about the movie while watching the final ten minutes, causing me to try to explain the whole plot to her while trying to finish the film myself), then began to talk about the never ending family issues with me, keeping me from getting ready. Evil sister who hasn't been to the house in two years and acts like she's entitled to the world is causing trouble again, which is annoying in itself. It becomes more annoying when I have to listen to my parents vent about the drama every single day until it's resolved. She's a bitch, there's nothing that's going to change about it, end of story. I'm so sick of wasting bits of my day talking about her stupidity.

My mum finally finished venting, I went and got dressed, and finished doing my make-up just as Joey arrived at my house. I honestly believe that all girls need a cute gay friend to go out and do adorable things with, and Joey is currently my very favorite gay boy. There's just something about going out with someone who will both hold the door for you and gush over how utterly fabulous Meryl Streep is that makes me feel fantastic. We grabbed dinner at Chili's (the $20 special where you get an appetizer, two diners, and a desert), then went to see Julie & Julia. The movie was fabulous, as expected. It was the first really well done "feel good" movie I'd seen in a long time. I got all warm and fuzzy inside while I was watching it. Aww. Plus, Amy Adams is the most adorable thing in the entire world. She is just too cute. I give it a 5/5. Everything about it was wonderful...and I want to wear just about everything in Meryl Streep's wardrobe.

We also went to Petco, where I became completely infatuated with chinchillas. I'm pretty sure that's going to be the pet for me. I know, I know. I wanted a hedgehog, then I wanted a flemish giant rabbit...but chinchillas really seem like they could be it. They're soft, cuddley, fairly friendly when raised properly, pretty low matinence, and they generally live around 15 years. I can deal with that. Plus, they don't smell (as long as you clean their cages as you should) and are great for people with allergies because they don't have any dander. I mean, I basically want something that's going to be as awesome as a puppy without all of the hassle, and they seem like they could be it. I'm thinking once I graduate from Point Park and am going to make-up school? That seems like the proper time to own a chinchilla. On a totally unrelated note, I also bought Butterscotch legwarmers while at Petco. I want her to start wearing dog clothing. She hates me for it. Pictures, I promise.

Came home, sat around online for a while, and now I think I'm going to turn in; it's rather early for me. Hopefully this will put me back on a proper schedule. Oh! Also. I saw my doctor yesterday and she's increased my Lithium level to 600mg. So currently I'm at 600mg of Lithium and 1500mg of Depakote. My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping things continue to get better. I have to drive to the theatre tomorrow in order to go to a meeting for the play I'm producing next summer, which could possibly bring on a panic attack. Here's hoping that everything goes well with that. My fingers are crossed.

I bought this shirt too. $10 on shirt.woot.com yesterday. Hoorah steampunks!

Derek and I went out tonight on a little shopping adventure, after which we stopped at Sonic for some cheeseburgers, cherry limeaide, and conversation. One of our talks centered on a classic question: if you could only listen to 10 CDs for the rest of your life, or could only take 10 CDs with you to a desert island devoid of life...which would you take? The CDs can be replaced with virtually anything, obviously, but we happened to settle on music. Here were my ten:

10.) The Decemberists - "Picaresque"

This is hands down on of my favorite CDs; I think I listened to it non-stop my junior year of high school. Both charming and melancholy, haunting and romantic, it's a good CD to weep along to. Favorite tracks include "We Both Go Down Together" and "Red Right Ankle."

9.) Alkaline Trio - "Good Mourning"

Another CD that I can listen to from beginning to end. It's dark and morbid, with violent lyrics and a generally upbeat tempo; very fun to sing along to. Favorite tracks include "All on Black" and "Blue in the Face".

8.) Bright Eyes - "Lifted"

I tend to consider Conor Oberst the Bob Dyan of my generation, a statement that seems to become more and more evident as time goes on and his music grows up (his most recent solo album is fantastic). "Lifted" will always remain a classic to me, and I feel that it's the best of his Bright Eyes years. Favorite tracks include "Bowl of Oranges" and "Lets not Shit Ourselves".

7.) Frank Sinatra - "My Way - The Best of Frank Sinatra"

Frank Sinatra is the man. It is necessary to have at least one Sinatra CD in this line-up, so I figured I'd be safe and stick with a greatest hits album. Favorite tracks include "I've Got You Under the Skin" and "Lady is a Tramp".

6.) Dresden Dolls - Self Titled

The Dresden Dolls are my favorite band of all time. Amanda Palmer's brutally honest lyrics and raw vocals paired with the intimate sound of nothing but her piano and Brian's drumset makes them a passionate, explosive duo. Their debut CD is immensely powerful, and has been one of my favorite CDs since the day I hear it. Favorite tracks include "Truce" and "Good Day."

5.) Radiohead - "Hail to the Thief"

Radiohead is god-like. They had to have a place on here somehwere. Favorite tracks include "Wolf at the Door" and "Where I End and You Begin."

4.) Rancid - "...And Out Come the Wolves"

Such a fantastic CD from beginning to end. Tim and Lars are excellent storytellers, and it comes through in their lyrics. I've been obsessed with this CD since I was in 6th or 7th grade, and probably will be forever. Favorite tracks include "Daly City Train" and "Olympia WA".

3.) The Smiths - "The Queen is Dead"

Classic CD, excellent from beginning to end. There isn't one track on here that I don't know all of the words to and don't completely adore. Favorite tracks include "Bigmouth Strikes Again" and "There is a Light."

2.) The Clash - London Calling

I shouldn't even have to explain this. This should be on a list of top 100 CDs ever created. Favorite tracks include "Guns of Brixton" and "Lost in the Supermarket."

1.) The Beatles - The White Album

For obvious reasons. I feel like if you're going to pick a Beatles CD, this is the most diverse and the one you need to choose. Plus, it's my personal favorite. Why is it number one? Because the Beatles are number one. The end. Favorite tracks include "Happiness is a Warm Gun" and "Blackbird."

Fantastic. Seriously. I guess a bunch of kids from the University of Michigan decided that they were going to make a fan based, full length Harry Potter musical. As someone who loves things for the LOLZ...and loves Harry Potter...and loves musicals...this is like an early Christmas gift. The entire musical is up on YouTube in videos ranging from 4-9 minutes long, and it just gets better and more hilarious as it goes on. I think Draco Malfoy (who has a secret crush on Hermione Granger) is my favorite part. Along with Snape and Voldemort/Quirrell. So epic.

Unfortunately, WB has announced that they are not permitted to make any money off of their show; they're going to make soundtracks available, but can't make a profit off of them due to copyright crap. Ok, seriously. If I ever make something that becomes famous enough that some fans make AN ENTIRE MUSICAL SPINOFF that is actually VERY WELL DONE, I mean...damn. Harry and the Potters make money, don't they? I don't get it. People need to chill out.

I did find a website, however, that sells "A Very Potter Musical" related t-shirts: http://skreened.com/secondarycharacter

So in one of the online communities that I'm part of (bleedingbeauty_) we have monthly themes, one of which is a cybershopping challenge. You have some sort of set budget (this month it was unlimited funds) and a theme to go off of. This month it was "Your Dream Wedding". If you didn't have a budget and could spend whatever you wanted, what would you do at your wedding?

I personally have wanted a Halloween themed wedding since I was about eight years old. So I went around on photobucket and flickr and found pictures that were close to what I'd like. I don't plan on getting married until my late 20's, but I'm already pretty set in my ways. I don't claim any of these pictures as mine, by the way, they're just being used as reference.

I'd like to get married outside, on Halloween, in an old cemetary. Lots of pretty fall leaves and a cool breeze and all of that. Maybe we could have the actual ceremony performed underneath a big, twisty tree. I'd like my husband or wife and I to have plots reserved at the cemetary we get married at, so that we start and end our lives together in the same place. I don't find the idea of getting married in a cemetary morbid at all; I think it's a beautiful way to tie together life and death.

Reception hall! There will be carved Jack O' Lanterns on the tables, Trick-or-Treat favor bags, candy corn scattered on the tables, and fun games like bobbing for apples. Pumpkin pie, sushi, and turkey with mashed potatoes will be served, as well as fun Halloween foods like Witches Brew and Dirt and pigs in a blanket that look like mummies. I want a keg of Pumpking beer too.

My flowers will look exactly like this.

So, whoever's wedding photo this is, I'm sorry I yanked it off of photobucket, but I really love the colors of your bridesmaid dresses. Not the style, particularly, but the colors are exactly what I want.

I DO NOT WANT A DIAMOND RING. I think diamonds are very overrated and boring. Plus, anyone that knows me knows that I'm a pearl girl through and through. I'd want our names engraved on the inside of our rings; mine would have my spouses and vice versa. But yes. I want a fucking pearl.

Pumpkin colored high heels! Obviously these are a must.

What I'll be wearing underneath my wedding dress. Rawr.

I LOVE THIS VEIL. I want something that's similar to a 50's pillbox hat; a long, flowy veil isn't really going to cut it for me.

Obviously this isn't the exact dress that I want, but I definitely want something with a tighter bodice that is really soft and feminine at the bottom.

My reception is going to be a costume ball...and EVERYONE has to dress up. I don't care if you're 82, you will be dressed up or you won't be at my reception, end of story. I would be dressed as a swan, allowing me to wear my wedding dress and simply put on a really elegant mask like this one.

Wedding topper! Or should I say...BEST WEDDING TOPPER EVER. There are a ton of Halloween toppers out there, but I really think that this one is the best out of all of them. I think it's very unique and super classy.

My cake doesn't have to look exactly like this, I just thought this was really pretty and it went well with my fall theme. I definitely want a tall, fancy cake made with fondant though.

Does this picture look familiar to you? It's a still from Hocus Pocus, haha. For music at my wedding I want a live band, playing mainly swing/old jazz music. They need to be dressed exactly like this. There is no arguing about it.

"Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra. I'd like this song to be the first one my future husband or wife and I dance to at our wedding. It'd be a planned out dance of course, something that we took lessons weeks ahead of time in order to perfect.