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updates via insomnia

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 01:15:29 -0800

One piece of fanart completed; there should be another piece up tomorrow before the new episode, along with some photography (maybe). I think I'm going to go out and explore in the snow for a little while after I get some things around the house done.

The past week has been bumpy. My aunt died, so there was the funeral, and that on top of everything else was just beyond crazy. I'm happy though, and I can honestly say that. I'm proud of myself, I love myself, I love my friends (who are lovely and listen to me vent and check on me to see how I am), and I'm secure and confident in who I am and what I'm doing with my life right now. Planning a trip to State College for next week to visit with my friend Alys, which will include tea, wine, LOST, antiques, libraries, and a possible vintage/goth photoshoot. It's going to be awesome; I've been in the mood for an adventure for quite some time now.

I'm also working on a very nice painting; it's rather large, for my class, of myself, and probably my favorite thing I've traditionally painted in a while. Should be done relatively soon, I think.

My friend Phil and I are working on a graphic novel; I've yet to revise the drafted script he's sent me due to things being chaotic, but it's going to be pretty intense and I'm very excited to start it. I'm thinking we'll release it via the website page by page every other week or something along those lines. Hopefully I'll be able to illustrate that regularly.

I think that's everything. I'm busy, and I'm busy doing the things I love...which I haven't been able to experience in a very long time. It makes me so happy.

I also think I might have a cavity. Boo.

Things I am coveting at the moment...

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:15:29 -0800

I've been doing a lot of online window-shopping lately, mostly due to being insanely bored and snowed in. Here are a few of the lovely items from Etsy that I've been drooling over, none of which I'm actually buying (save for the eyeshadow), due to the fact that I have no money and no source of income. Whatever. I still like pimping out other artists, especially when their work is this amazing.

Heart Two by Meganstelzer

$26 plus $3 shipping to USA. Brass and sterling silver.

I'm in love with this shop, but the thing that caught my eye the most was the collection of necklaces made out of sanded down/carved keys. There's a few other heart designs, along with a bat and some futuristic keys as well; for those of you that know me, you know that I collect keys and am a bit obsessed with them. The necklaces are all stunning, and I would probably wear any of them given the opportunity. She's also got some really beautiful earrings and rings on her site as well (one ring looks like a submarine window); everything is highly unique and definitely shows its personality.

Link to Item: MeganStelzer

Brass Key Shaped Pocket Knife Necklace by Contrary

$30 with FREE SHIPPING to the US. Brass pocket knife necklace.

I am OBSESSED WITH THIS. OBSESSED. Why, you may ask? Because it takes keys, which I am crazy about, and puts knives in them. So someone could be like, "Oh Sarah, nice necklace" and I can be like, "Yeah, don't try to pull a fast one on me, mister!" In all seriousness though, this is one of several super unique pocket knife style necklaces you can find in this shop. Each necklace is designed and assembled by Mary Andrews, who works out of Brooklyn, NY. Miss Andrews also offers a warning at the bottom of her listing, reminding potential buyers to remember that the knife is built in for novelty and conversation purpose only, and is NOT to be used as a weapon. So keep that in mind.

Link to Listing: Contrary

6 for $25 Deal by Glittersniffer

'Angry' pigment. $6.50 on it's own, or buy as one of six for $25. $2 shipping.

Ok, I am realllllllly excited for this one. Over at Glittersniffer they make some amazing mineral eyeshadows that I've been wanting for the longest time. Currently they have a deal where you can get 6 pots of eyeshadow for $25. They're usually $6.50 each, and anyone who buys nice mineral make-up knows that even that is like...absurdly cheap. Glittersniffer takes all of the processed crap out of eyeshadow and makes theirs with natural ingredients only. Plus, this stuff lasts forever. I'm probably ordering my six pots (5 grams each) later on this evening; Angry, Button, Shy, Paris Bean, Kitsch, Stuntin. I'll have to write a review once I get it; I really hope this stuff is as good as I've read it is.

Link to Etsy Shop: Glittersniffer

I could ramble on about pretty things I want forever, but I think I'll stop it there for now.

Hello February

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:17:33 -0800

I am trying very hard to sort out my life. Dropped my classes at BC3. Coping with family drama and the death of my aunt. Trying to watch more films, work out on a daily basis, and balance out my diet. Slowly working on beating out my anxiety. Sewing. Drawing. Painting. Going on dates. Trying very hard to socialize with friends.

I am still rather sluggish and antsy, but at the bottom of everything I feel happy, and know that I'm on my way towards something wonderful. I just have to muddle through things a little longer, remember that I am often my own worse enemy when it comes to stress and anxiety, and most importantly, keep breathing and keep smiling. Keep laughing. Everything is going to get better; I'm already taking so many steps in the right direction and I'm very proud of myself for that. I haven't been honestly happy in a long time, and I feel like despite everything bad that's going on, that I could be very close to that now.

Two new pieces:

"When you run out of things to burn, set yourself on fire."

hoorah!

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 11:49:00 -0800

New header; I actually like this one a decent amount. The other one was pretty lame. I actually finished a piece that I started back in October today; I think I drew the original lineart on my soc. notes. Great job. I'm pretty into it though. Reworked a lot of things and am pleased with how it came out.

As a whole, life as been pretty chaotic and stressful in the past few weeks. Transfered schools, moved home, realized that I have more food allergies, have been being beaten up internally by acid reflux, my aunt is dying, my anxiety is being nasty, and I feel like I'm complaining all the time. I don't have a job and I'm broke as a joke. All I've wanted to do for the past few days is sleep and wake up and have things be normal again. At the same time, I'm trying very hard to be positive; the past few weeks haven't been all bad, in fact, there have been some rather nice things that have happened as well. I just feel kind of off balance at the moment. Like I said, I just want things to go back to being somewhat normal. I'm excited to start this new chapter in my life, so why am I getting bogged down by all of these set-backs?

Bleh.

I think I just expect too much from myself 95% of the time.

new new new

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 17:17:13 -0800

New header for the new year, as well as me re-naming the illustrations section (as I plan on stop being so lazy and painting more), and adding a photography section (which already has some pictures in it). So...yeah. I don't know if I'm keeping this header or not. Hmm. Enjoy this picture of me from New Year's Eve. I look way more excited than I actually was...and I went to sleep at like 12:30am. Sarah Huth = total party animal. Clearly.

Hopefully 2010 will bring more good times than 2009 did. Fingers crossed. Oh! I got a new tattoo as well:

It explains itself, I think. Happy new year and all of that. I'm definately changing that header. I hate it the more I look at it. Ew.

Brief Update

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:18:05 -0800

One new drawing...been very busy, have like half a million things that are currently incomplete. Hrmph. Hopefully they'll get finished over break? That would be nice. I should hopefully have my P3, "Whatever Comes to Me", up here as well. Until then, here is a picture of my face:

That's all I have for you. Sorry if you expected more.
xoxo

Minor Updates and a thank you

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:36:40 -0800

Business first: the film page has been updated and now serves as a listing of everything I've worked on. Much cleaner, and will HOPEFULLY have Quicktime video links up soon. I also tightened up the make-up page, though that still needs some work.

Secondly, I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who has read and reposted my Twilight essay. I honestly didn't think it would blow up as much as it has, but my website views have been through the roof since I posted it two days ago. It's really sort of surreal to me how much people are raving over it/how much attention I'm getting from it. So thank you. Keep on posting; I'd like to see my page views continue to climb.

Thirdly, here's a fun little sneak peak of the holiday card design I'm working on for this year:

Just a rough pencil sketch as of right now, but I'm thinking it's going to look quite nice once it's colored. If anyone can figure out who the female is a slight visual reference to, they win a prize. I don't know what the prize is, but I also doubt anyone is going to get it, so I don't think it matters.

xoxo

Abusive Relationships Are Lame AKA Why I Hate Twilight

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:19:00 -0800

This would be my final essay for English Composition II.
It was requested that I post it, so I have. Enjoy.

Any time a new book series emerges that sweeps the nation and blows sales
figures out of the water, it makes sense that one would take a second look at
what exactly is being read, or what the author of said series is doing to so
enrapture their demographic. It happened when the Harry Potter series reached
its peak, and occurred again when Dan Brown’s The DaVinci Code was firmly
grasped in the hands of millions. Both book series and their respective films
caused their own controversy, with people protesting Harry Potter due to the
portrayal of witchcraft in the series and people opposing The DaVinci Code
along with Angels and Demons due to the claims the books made about the
church and religion. During the past several years, however, there has been a
new series on the rise, one that many claim trumps both of those previously
mentioned. While the target audience is much smaller and specialized than
JK Rowling’s or Dan Brown’s was, it is strong and it is vigilant. It is also,
unfortunately, extremely susceptible to the ideas in which the series it loves
places so much emphasis on. It is a demographic being shaped by the media
surrounding it as it matures, and in some cases, Stephanie Meyer and her
Twilight saga are doing a lot more than providing teenage girls with a “fun”
book series to read on the school bus when they don’t feel like thinking about
how mean real boys are or how boring algebra class is.

When asked why they read Twilight or enjoy watching the Twilight movie, there
was a general pattern that emerged among young girls. The series follows Bella
Swan, the new girl in town, and her love affair with Edward Cullen, the dark,
brooding vampire that is oh-so dangerous but is completely infatuated with
Bella as well; it is said brooding vampire that has these girls in such a
maddening frenzy. In her article “What Girls Want: An Edward Cullen to Love
Them” for the website Townhall.com, Dr. Miriam Grossman spoke to several
girls and asked them why exactly this was. Nava, age fourteen, explained, “He’s
cute, and he’s really nice to Bella.” Kayla, age 16, claimed, “He’s caring, and
genuine. He expresses his love, and risks his life to protect her. And he’s
handsome.” Tanya, age 19, continued to elaborate on the same idea, stating,
“Edward loves Bella and wants to be with her forever, so he controls himself.
The self-discipline is very hard on him, but seeing her hurt would be even
worse” (Grossman). The general idea about Edward Cullen gathered from these
statements would make it very understandable why young girls find him
appealing; he’s caring, genuine, self-sacrificing, and good looking on top of
that. What is there not to like?

Unfortunately, there are many qualities about Edward Cullen and his
relationship with Bella Swan that not only answer that question, but provide
an unsettling set of new questions regarding the readers that seem to think
that he’s the overall “perfect guy”. When going down the list of characteristics
in a typical abusive relationship, Edward matches up with more than a few,
including but not limited to: making you feel like you are unable to make
decisions, using threats to gain compliance, tracking your whereabouts,
preventing you from seeing your friends and family, and being generally
jealous and possessive (Batignani). He also withholds sex and other forms of
intimate contact with Bella, and when they do finally have sex, despite the fact
that she wakes up covered in bruises due to the violence of it all, the only thing
Bella cares about is whether or not Edward enjoyed the act. This behavior by
the series protagonist leads to the final, and possibly most disturbing, point of
all. For a book series that is penned by a woman and loved by an audience
that is made up primarily of women, the female protagonist is awfully weak.
Bella is constantly dependant on a male figure to make herself content and
stable, and seems to have no desire in her life other than loving Edward, being
with Edward, and making sure that Edward is happy. She is weak and frail, and
needs “rescued” by the capable, strong men in her life on more than one
occasion. For a book series that young women flock to, this is all highly
unsettling. Stephanie Meyers’s Twilight saga preaches unhealthy relationships
and stereotypically anti-feminist values, all the while justifying this by
wrapping it up in a pretty, sparkling package and calling it “love”.

From the first moment that Edward meets Bella, he warns her that he is
dangerous; in the film he comes right out and tells her, “If you're smart, you'll
stay away from me” (IMDB). Now, if Edward were simply a brooding “bad boy”,
then the appeal of this angst fueled attempt to distance himself from Bella
might be slightly understandable and forgivable. In fact, studies have
legitimately shown that girls are more often than not attracted to bad,
dangerous boys. In the article, “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” on the ABC News
website, Dr. Peter Jonason, lead investigator in a study on whether women
really do prefer more “dangerous” men states, “…We think women would avoid
these kinds of men, but what we show is counterintuitive -- that women are
attracted to these bad boys and they do pretty well in terms of sheer numbers
of sexual partners” (Grayson). The study performed was based on certain
traits that were found in typical “bad boys”, including callousness, impulsive
behavior, extreme extroversion, and narcissism; two of which Edward Cullen
matches up with (Grayson). So if Edward were simply another “bad boy” that
was a little callous and impulsive, it would be understandable that young
girls are flocking to him. He is a challenge, he is non-accessible; something
that automatically makes him desired. On top of this, as the young readers
above mentioned, Edward is very attractive and seems highly devoted to Bella.

Edward Cullen, however, is more than the typical “bad boy” and therein lies the
problem with his massive appeal to young women. Later in the first Twilight
film, as he and Bella discuss Edward’s true nature as a vampire and his carnal
desire to kill her and drink her blood, he explains, “I'm the world's most
dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face,
even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if
you could fight me off” (IMDB). He also randomly appears in her bedroom one
night; she wakes up to him standing at the foot of her bed watching her sleep.
When she asks him if he does this often he replies, “Just the past couple of
months. I like watching you sleep. I find it fascinating” (IMDB). There is another
scene where she is almost attacked by a gang late at night, and Edward, who
later admits that he had been following her to make sure she wasn’t in trouble,
randomly shows up and becomes so enraged by what the men were intending
to do that he verbally lashes out at Bella once or twice in the car. His behavior
would seem somewhat heroic and tender, if it wasn’t so possessive and
creepy. He follows her and watches over her as though he owns her, when they
really aren’t even that close of friends. Instead of taking Bella out to dinner
and a movie, he takes her to a forest where he rips trees out of the ground in
an attempt to try and intimidate her, to scare her with a display of force and
power. To make things even worse, there is an underlying finality about the
relationship between Edward and Bella; an indication that if either of them
should lose each other their lives would be over completely. In the second
book in the Twilight saga, New Moon, Edward tells Bella, “I thought I'd
explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist”
(Squidoo). Likewise, in the Twilight film Bella states, “I can't bring myself to
regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought
me to Edward” (IMDB). For a series whose target audience is teenage girls and
whose heroin is sixteen herself, these are some pretty bold statements. Clearly
, despite all of the crazy and troubling behavior, Bella feels that she is in love
with Edward, and wants nothing but to be by his side. This is highly troubling,
as it seems to be implying to girls who are just learning how to date and
develop relationships that it’s alright to stay with someone who may be highly
dangerous, as long as you really think you might possibly love each other.

The volatile and unhealthy relationship between Bella and Edward is only half
of the issue when it comes to women’s rights and a misrepresentation of
gender roles in the Twilight series. Bella Swan, the protagonist, is essentially
the perfect little Stepford Wife girlfriend. She is weak, meek, and seems to
confuse the words love and dependency more than once throughout the books
and in the film. There is the issue of sex, for example. Edward refuses to have
sex with Bella until the final book due to his immense strength and the fear
that he will harm her, and up until then is hesitant to even kiss her or show her
affection, as he may lose control and decide to eat her. When they do finally
have sex, after they are married in the final installment of the saga, it is
exceptionally violent, and Bella wakes up the next morning covered in bruises.
When they discuss it, their conversation goes as follows:

“Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt
you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a
success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones—that equals a
victory?” I waited, letting him get it all out. Then I waited some more while his
breathing went back to normal. When his eyes were calm, I answered,
speaking with slow precision. “I didn’t know what to expect—but I definitely
did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was.” My voice
dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands. “I
mean, I don’t know how it was for you, but it was like that for me.” (Meyer,
Breaking 92)

Instead of being angry or even somewhat bothered by the fact that her first real
sexual experience reduced her to being covered in bruises, Bella simply
accepts it and is grateful for the experience regardless because of her love for
Edward. What kind of message does this send to the millions of young girls
reading these books? While the idea of love surpassing all sounds wonderfully
poetic, it should never surpass domestic abuse, in any form. In an article
discussing domestic abuse among high school and college students, Dr. Sandra
Stith, a nationally recognized domestic violence expert, states that about 30%
of college students have been in relationships that involve physical
aggression, while more have been in relationships that are emotionally
abusive, and 25% of high school students have been in abusive relationships
(Associated Content). Obviously there are many factors that contribute to this
and it would be absurd to say that a book series is a primary reason for
domestic abuse among young people, but providing female characters in
popular young adult literature that so opening welcome abuse certainly isn’t
helping. But of course, Bella doesn’t say anything to protest this or defend
herself, as that would put her at risk of upsetting and or losing Edward.

This leads to the final point, and perhaps root of most of the issues regarding
these characters; Bella seems completely dependent on men to be happy,
without any other real interests or goals for herself. In the second installment
in the series, New Moon, Edward leaves Bella, at which point she instantly
throws herself into the arms of her childhood best friend Jacob. There is a
passage when Jacob and Bella are first developing their friendship after
Edward leaves that was particularly troubling; the two are fixing motorcycles
together and Bella offers Jacob money to help pay for parts. When he begins
to protest she states, “’I’ve got some money saved. College fund, you know.’
College, schmollege, I thought to myself. It wasn’t like I’d saved up enough to go
anywhere special—and besides, I had no desire to leave Forks anyway”
(Meyer, New 136). What does Bella plan on doing with her life then, if she
intends on blowing her college fund on motorcycle parts to win over a
rebound boyfriend and staying in her hometown? What goals does she have?
What type of message is Stephanie Meyer trying to send? Not to mention that
where Edward matches up with the characteristics of an abusive partner, Bella
matches up with those of a typical codependent one. Codependency
Personality Disorder is characterized by living through or for another, and
some of the symptoms exhibited by Bella include an inability to see
alternatives to situations, impulsiveness, overacting to change,
feeling different, lack of self confidence, and fear of abandonment
(Recovery-Man).

There is an often overused quote by Franklin Roosevelt that states, “Great
power involves great responsibility” (Good Reads). The power to completely
consume the minds and hearts of young girls around the world is not only
great, it is something that should be handled with extreme care. Stephanie
Meyer has made massive amounts of money with her series, selling out movie
theaters and packing midnight book releases. With this in mind, it is a shame
that she did not consider more deeply the potential impact that her words
would have on the world. Why not write a series with an empowering female
protagonist? Or one that promotes healthy relationships? As Amy Clarke, an
undergraduate professor at the University of California stated in an article for
the Washington Post, "Do we really want our daughters reading books about a
girl like Bella who is always needing to be saved, who is willing to give up her
mortality for a boy?" (Yao). Truth be told, Twilight is just another work of
fiction, and if read with the mature realization that the relationship between
Edward and Bella is just about as logical and healthy as undead vampires that
sparkle, it is perfectly harmless. However, whether or not most of Meyers’
young fan base is reading with that sort of intuitive knowledge, something
that the obsession over the “perfection” that is Edward Cullen seems to argue,
is left to be determined.

SOURCES
+ Associated Content. September 13th, 2007. November 17, 2009. < http://www.associatedcontent com/article/377942/domestic_violence_among
_high_school.html>

+ Batignani, Renee. “Abusive Relationships”. Conseulers for Women.com.
November 17, 2009. http://www.counselorsforwomen.com/abusive_
relationships.htm

+ Good Reads. 2009.
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/135379

+ Grayson, Audrey. “Why Nice Guys Finish Last”. ABC News.com. June 19th,
2008. November 17, 2009. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=519753
1&page=2

+ Grossman, Miriam. “What Girls Want: An Edward Cullen to Love”. Townhall.
com. December 8th, 2008. November 17, 2009. < http://townhall.com/columnists/DrMiriamGrossmanMD/2008/12/08/what_girls_
want_an_edward_cullen_to_love_them?page=1>

+ Internet Movie Database. < http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/quotes>

+ Meyer, Stephanie. Breaking Dawn. New York: Little, Brown and Company. 2008
. Print.

+ Meyer, Stephanie. New Moon. New York: Hachette Book Company. 2006. Print.

+ Recovery-Man. “Characteristics of Codependency”. November 15th, 2007.
November 17, 2009. http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm

+ Squidoo.com. 2009. November 17, 2009. http://www.squidoo.com/cullenabuse

+ Yao, Laura. “Bitten and Smitten”. Washington-Post.com. August 1st, 2008.
November 17th, 2009. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/story/20
08/08/01/ST2008080100930.html

What I'm Reading: "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:16:06 -0800

Click the image to buy it on Amazon

I started reading this book over the summer, around the same time that I started on lithium. My psychiatrist recommended it to me, and the overall concept of someone from a medical background who also had bipolar disorder writing about the disease really intrigued me. I can honestly say that I've never felt so personally connected to a book or piece of literature in my entire life. There were portions of this that I felt I could've written myself, particularly a passage towards the end where she discusses whether or not she'd stop herself from being bipolar if it were possible. She wrote:

"So why would I want anything to do with this illness? Because I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; have had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through. I have seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they both are. Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."

I wish that I personally could have articulated something that beautiful, because it sums up exactly how I feel. I hate being bipolar most of the time. I hate feeling as though I have a handicap that most people disreguard and many don't even see. I hate having to take lithium, wondering what would happen to me if I was unable to access it, fearing a lack of health insurance and what would happen then. I hate wondering if I'll be able to have children because of this disease, for fear that I'd both be a poor mother or have a complicated pregnacy due to medication or, god forbid, I'd pass the disease along to my child. I hate being judged, questioned, and analyzed. I hate the shame and embarassment that comes along with explaining myself to everyone else in the world.

But when it comes down to it...I wouldn't change who I am, and I wouldn't wish for a cure, for all of the reasons that she wrote above. I feel things more intensely than "normal" people, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. It makes life harder, but it also makes everything taste sweeter when it's positive. It makes the good wonderful and the bad unbearable. What's life without feeling, however, without raw emotions? Without feeling so elated that you can't sleep and are endlessly creative, or being so down and full of pain that you can't eat or think and the words blur in front of you so you can't even read properly? Without bouncing back and forth between bliss and beauty and twisted darkness? It is nothing. It isn't worth living. I may hate this disease, but I also feel so blessed to have it, because it has given me the opportunity to live a life that most people will never even experience a glimpse of. I don't say this to sound arrogant or to try and make myself feel special, I say it because it's true. I believe it whole heartedly. I can appreciate my life more because of it; because it has helped me to understand what life really is, and that you must live it every second that you possibly can.

I'm sure this book would appeal to almost anyone, bipolar or not. It's a very personal, yet highly intelligent look into the disease, and would prove enlightening for anyone who is curious about it. I think it would be a good read for those close to someone bipolar as well; I can honestly say that she does an amazing job relating what it feels like to her audience. She discusses her suicide attempt (overdose on lithium), the problems she's had with relationships and dating due to her illness, and the overall fears that she had about "coming out" to her associates and friends. It's a wonderfully written, brave, and brutally honest story. I admire this woman so much, and hope that one day I can achieve as much and be as brilliant as she is, despite everything.

New Layout

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:46:35 -0800

I'm loving it. A lot. Also, a few tweaks here and there...added a new site to the "links" page, an excuse to the "resume" page, more information on the "about" page...and I think that's it.
Did I mention that I love this new website, a lot?

Also, Halloween is in a day. YESSSSSS.